Spotting the Signs: Understanding the Many Types of Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is often misunderstood as solely involving physical abuse, but that’s not always the case. There are many of tactics that abusers will use to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.
Kendall County Women’s Shelter (KCWS) is here to outline all of the various types of domestic abuse that can occur in relationships—ranging from physical harm to coercion and isolation—highlighting that no form of abuse is ever justifiable or acceptable.
As an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse and their families, one of the most impactful tools at your disposal is the ability to recognize all forms of relationship violence and connect individuals to the appropriate support resources. KCWS is here to break down what constitutes domestic abuse, as well as providing practical steps for helping yourself or others when you recognize the warning signs:
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is often the most recognizable form of domestic abuse, particularly when injuries or visible signs make it apparent to others. However, abuse doesn’t always begin with physical violence—emotional and financial abuse frequently occur first, creating a foundation of control and manipulation.
This pattern of escalation can place survivors in grave danger, especially when they try to leave their abuser, making awareness and early intervention critical for their safety.
Is it Physical Abuse?
Physical Abuse is any intentional bodily injury. This includes (but is not limited to):
Slapping, hitting, punching, kicking, or shoving.
Choking or strangling.
Using physical restraints.
Inappropriately using drugs to control your partner.
Signs of Physical Abuse:
Bruises, black-eyes, welts, lacerations, or rope marks.
Broken bones.
Open wounds, cuts, or untreated injuries that are at different stages of healing.
Lab findings of unintended medications, or overdoses.
Sudden change in the survivor’s behaviors.
Sexual Abuse
While some people think that sexual abuse can’t happen within committed relationships, this is not true. Sexual abuse can, and does happen, within marriages and dating couples.
Acts of sexual abuse can have devastating emotional and physical consequences, like significant feelings of shame and guilt that can have a profound impact on one’s mental health and daily functioning. This is particularly true when the perpetrator is someone you trust, like a romantic partner.
Is it Sexual Abuse?
Sexual Abuse is nonconsensual sexual contact (any unwanted sexual contact). This includes (but is not limited to):
Unwanted touching.
Rape (via intercourse, oral, or any other form of unwanted penetration).
Coerced nudity.
Taking explicit pictures or videos of someone without their consent.
Signs of Sexual Abuse:
Feelings of shame and guilt.
Low levels of self-esteem.
Sleep disturbances and/or gastrointestinal issues.
Fear around intimacy and/or intimate touch.
Sexual dysfunction.
Emotional Abuse
According to The Hotline’s 2020 Data, 95% of contacts stated they had experienced emotional abuse, also referred to as psychological abuse. Even within teen dating relationships, an estimated 65% of high-school aged children who date report experiences of domestic abuse.
Emotional abuse can be challenging to recognize due to its subtle nature. It often serves as a foundation for other forms of abuse, aiming to undermine a person’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth while fostering a psychological dependency on the abusive partner.
Is it Emotional Abuse?
Emotional Abuse is deliberately causing a person mental or emotional pain. This includes (but is not limited to):
Intimidation or coercion.
Humiliating or ridiculing their partner.
Harassment.
Gaslighting, which is an effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own reality, feelings, instincts, and sanity.
Love Bombing, or overloading a partner with compliments and gifts, and then uses that to manipulate you later.
Isolating a partner from their friends, family, or activities they enjoy.
Silent treatment.
Yelling, swearing, or name-calling.
Examples of emotionally abusive statements:
“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”
“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”
“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”
Signs of Emotional Abuse:
Lack of confidence, or low-self esteem, within the survivor.
Difficulty controlling their emotions.
Extreme behaviors, like becoming increasingly aggressive, demanding, or having emotional outbursts.
Difficulty maintaining relationships, including friendships.
Behavior that is not age-appropriate (child-like).
Financial Abuse
Financial, or economic, abuse is a frequent strategy abusers use to establish power and control within a relationship. It can take many forms, ranging from subtle to overt, but generally involves tactics like withholding information, restricting the victim’s access to financial resources, or limiting their control over family finances.
Unlike physical abuse, financial abuse may be harder to spot, but can be equally devastating to a survivor and their children. In fact, according to The Hotline’s most recent report over a quarter (27%) of survivors reported some form of financial abuse.
Is it Financial Abuse?
Financial Abuse is when a perpetrator attempts control their partner’s finances or their ability to provide for themselves. This includes (but is not limited to):
Sharing a joint bank account, but becoming angry over every purchase their partner makes.
The abuser offers an allowance to their partner, but only let’s them purchase the items they need to survive.
Controlling when, where, and if their partner can work.
Stealing any form of their partners public assistance and keeping it for themselves.
Taking their partner’s money and controlling when and how they spend it.
False representation, using their partner’s bank account, cards, or documents.
Signs of Financial Abuse:
Survivor is missing personal possessions.
There is an unexplained lack of money or inability to maintain their lifestyle.
Unexplained withdrawal of funds from accounts.
Misuse of a power of attorney, deputy, appointee-ship, or other legal authority.
Spiritual Abuse
A lesser-known form of abuse is spiritual (or religious) abuse. When discussed, it’s often in the context of a church elder or faith leader abusing their position of power to create a toxic environment, using shame or control to manipulate congregation members.
However, spiritual abuse can also occur within intimate partner relationships. This type of abuse isn’t confined to any specific religion or denomination—individuals of any belief system can perpetrate or fall victim to spiritual abuse.
Is it Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual Abuse is when a perpetrator attempts control their partner’s finances or their ability to provide for themselves. This includes (but is not limited to):
Ridiculing, insulting, or making-fun of their partner’s religious or spiritual
Using religious ideology to justify or minimize abuse.
Using religious leaders to coerce someone to stay in an abusive relationship or marriage.
Using religious text or beliefs to create feelings of shame.
Using scare tactics, such as saying, “God will not love you” if they do not obey the rules of the religion.
Conflating mental health issues with “sin.”
Signs of Spiritual Abuse:
Social isolation, particularly from the survivor’s religious communities, or from individuals who are not in the perpetrator’s religious communities.
Showing fear or anxiety around being harmed if they don’t comply with religious rules - or the abuser’s interpretation of those rules.
Believing they have failed, morally or spiritually.
Losing a sense of identity and connection with others.
The abuser sets unrealistic expectations as a “test of faith.”
Technology-Facilitated Abuse
As technology continues to become integrated into most aspects of our daily lives, the domestic abuse now includes technology-facilitated abuse. In fact, in their 2022 report, the Hotline found that within 960 domestic abuse survivors, every respondent (100%) stated they had experienced some form of technology-facilitated abuse.
This type of abuse is particularly prevalent (up to 20% of all women and men). However, technology-facilitated abuse is usually not visible to others, making it another type that can be difficult to identify. Even those experiencing abuse online may not fully recognize its severity, or know that it constitutes as abuse.
But online harassment or abuse is just as serious as abuse that occurs “in-person.”
Is it Technology-Facilitated Abuse?
Technology-facilitated abuse is a form of controlling behavior that involves the use of technology as a means to coerce, stalk or harass another person. This can be done through text or messaging platforms, social media, or any other online setting.
Online name calling, bullying, body shaming, or humiliation.
Cyber-stalking.
Threatening to post or share intimate or sexual pictures without permission (also known as revenge porn)
Doxing, or searching and posting personal or private information online.
Spoofing, or falsifying of phone numbers, email addresses, IP addresses, location/GPS to confuse the survivor.
Electronic surveillance or GPS monitoring without consent.
Using a smart doorbell with a camera to monitor who may be visiting the survivor, or to ensure they do not leave the house.
Signs of Technology-Facilitated Abuse:
Showing strong emotions during or after using the Internet or the phone.
Feeling scared, uncomfortable, or paranoid.
Difficulty concentrating due to paranoia.
Loss of a sense of safety or trust in others, particularly when interacting with others online.
Employment or educational repercussions due to the abuser posting sensitive or explicit material of the survivor online, or sending these directly to a survivor’s supervisor or educator.
Supporting Ourselves & Others:
Just reading about the different types of domestic abuse is a great first step to helping someone break a cycle of abuse - or to begin taking the steps to finally break your own.
Once you feel equipped with the knowledge of what constitutes domestic abuse, there are additional ways of offering support to survivors.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship yourself, seeking these forms of support from a trusted friend, family member, or advocate can help you as you move forward towards a life free from abuse:
Listen without judgement: Listening attentively is one of the most powerful ways to hold space. Listen to their words and emotions instead of interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. By listening without judgment, survivors can feel understood and less alone in their struggles.
Validate their feelings: Phrases like "It’s okay to feel this way" or "What you’re feeling makes sense" help affirm survivors’ emotions. Validating their feelings acknowledges that their experiences are genuine and worthy of attention and support.
Respect their boundaries: Trauma is a complex thing, and not everyone is ready to talk about it. Let them lead the conversation and be sensitive to their needs.
Safety first: It is important to have a plan to increase safety as violence can escalate. A victim cannot control his or her partner’s abusive behavior, but they can take steps to protect themselves and their children from harm.
Practice self-care: Secondary trauma is real and common. It can be particularly hard supporting someone who keeps returning to an abusive relationship. If you find yourself getting frustrated with a survivor, that can be a really critical time to take a step back and focus on your own self-care.
Seek help: If you’re uncertain about how to support someone who keeps returning to an abusive relationship, our advocates at KCWS are here to help. You are not alone. Call KCWS’s 24/7 hotline today at 1-800-495-8078 to speak to one of our trauma-informed domestic abuse advocates.
KCWS exists to support survivors and their families after experiencing domestic abuse. We understand the complexity of relationship dynamics, as well as how difficult rebuilding a life after abuse can be.
If you, or someone you know, are looking for support in understanding the cycle of abuse, or breaking a cycle of abuse, we’re here to help. Call our 24/7 hour hotline to speak to a trained domestic abuse advocate today at 1-800-495-8078.
About the Author
Prior to her service at KCWS as the Research & Education Coordinator, Sarah received a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado Boulder and a Master of Science degree in Research Psychology from the University of Texas at San Antonio. Having dedicated the past six years to researching factors related to posttraumatic stress, Sarah has collaborated with domestic abuse, foster care, and military support agencies. She is passionate about enhancing trauma-informed policies and practices, and is on track to obtain her PhD, Summer 2025.
Email: sarah@kcwstexas.org
KCWS Phone: 830.428.4930