The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic abuse can take many forms, ranging from physical and/or sexual abuse to emotional intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation. This abuse is almost always motivated by the abuser’s need to maintain power and control over the survivor’s feelings, choices, and ultimately, what can feel like their entire life.

However, many domestic abuse cases follow a similar, and thus predictable, pattern of toxic behaviors. This cycle, commonly referred to as the cycle of abuse, was first proposed in 1979 by psychologist Lenore Walker. Through her work, Walker found that many domestic abuse experiences are best represented by this 4-stage cycle.

4-Stage Cycle of Abuse, originally proposed by Lenore Walker (1979).

While the cycle of abuse is helpful when trying to identify whether or not a relationship is abusive, not every domestic abuse case will follow this pattern exactly, and the amount of time spent in each stage of the cycle will vary between different relationships. However, most abusive relationships will predictably follow this 4-stage pattern:

In this stage, the abuser creates a sense of heightened tension between them and their partner. This often leaves the survivor feeling stressed over the state of the relationship, which continues to build over time.

This stage is when an abuser lashes out on the victim through physical, sexual, or emotional abuse tactics to assert domination over the victim and their life. This is typically the stage where a survivor is likely to be harmed either physically or emotionally. Often, survivors will experience both of these types of injuries.

The abuser may make excuses, or attempts to justify, their abusive behavior. Gaslighting, a psychological manipulation tactic that makes someone question their own reality, is common way abusers will manipulate their partners into staying with them during this stage.

The relationship seems to return to a state of peace, and survivors may even feel that things are better than they were prior to the abusive incident(s). However, the “honeymoon” stage usually doesn’t last long before tensions start to build again.

“Friends and family don’t see the everyday manipulation and coercion... [These acts] portray the message that there is no one out there that will help the survivor, that they are not worthy of anything outside of the abusers’ control, or no one will love them like the abuser does.”

— Anna Smalley, KCWS Family Coordinator

Identifying if someone is caught in the cycle of abuse can be tricky, given the level of manipulation an abuser uses to control aspects of a survivors life. From the outside, things within an abusive relationship may seem to be going just fine. And we often hear survivors justify their abuser’s behaviors by saying things like,

“It’ll never happen again.”

“They said they were really sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have made them so angry. I should work on being a better partner.”

“They are controlling because they love me and want the best for me.”

Even once a survivor determines they are caught in the cycle of abuse, there are barriers to face when deciding whether or not to end the relationship, such as:

• Fear of Further/Lethal Abuse

• Safety for Children and/or Pets

• Lack of Support from Friends/Family

• Shame

• Immigration Issues

• Religious/Cultural Beliefs

• Financial Restrictions

• Lack of Understanding around Abuse

• Lack of Understanding around Available/Affordable Resources

• Complex Feelings about their Abuser

“Survivors stay with their abusers out of fear - Fear of getting hurt... of being alone... of not having money... of rejection... of lack of support from others... of the unknown... But in my opinion, staying always boils down to fear.”

- Brooke house, MA, HRD, KCWS Chief Program Officer

KCWS exists to support survivors and their families after experiencing domestic abuse. We understand the complexity of relationship dynamics, as well as how difficult rebuilding a life after abuse can be.

If you, or someone you know, are looking for support in understanding the cycle of abuse, or breaking a cycle of abuse, we’re here to help. Call our 24/7 hour hotline to speak to a trained domestic abuse advocate today at 1-800-495-8078.

 About the Author

Prior to her service at KCWS as the Research & Education Coordinator, Sarah received a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado Boulder and a Master of Science degree in Research Psychology from the University of Texas at San Antonio. Having dedicated the past six years to researching factors related to posttraumatic stress, Sarah has collaborated with domestic abuse, foster care, and military support agencies. She is passionate about enhancing trauma-informed policies and practices, and is on track to obtain her PhD, Spring 2025.

Email: sarah@kcwstexas.org

KCWS Phone: 830.428.4930