Planning a Safer Visit
Generally, the holiday season offers time and space needed to reconnect with our loved ones. However, managing holiday schedules can become much more complicated after families experience domestic abuse.
While some parents have bravely decided to end an abusive relationship, in many cases with children, the survivor may still be required to share custody of the child with the abusive parent This can spark feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear… for both the surviving parent and their child(ren).
“Safety planning with kids is especially important during the holiday season due to routine changes. Disrupted schedules and many unfamiliar faces around the holiday season can make it hard for children to know what to do in an unfamiliar situation. It is important that they are able to recognize safe and unsafe behaviors, and who the trusted adults are they can go to [in crisis situations].’”
If a family has experienced domestic abuse, why are the children continuing to visit the abusive parent, even if it feels scary?
In Texas, a parent's history of domestic abuse can limit their chances at becoming sole conservator of a child. However, an abusive parent may still have custody rights and access to their child if the court determines that:
the child's physical and emotional health would not be endangered by the abusive parent's access or visitation
the abusive parent's access or visitation with the child would be in the child's best interests
a visitation order designed to protect the child exists, and
the abusive parent may have their visitation supervised and will be required to complete a treatment program.
Texas law only prohibits the court from granting joint-custody to both parents in cases where a history, or pattern, of physical or sexual abuse by one parent against another , a spouse, or child can be established, or if a history of family violence or sexual assault of the child during the previous two years can be established.
What if a pattern of abuse cannot be proven in court? What about other forms of violence, like extreme cases of emotional abuse?
There can be many reasons for a survivor to not report their experiences after leaving their abuser, even when it may be in the best interest of the child. These can include feelings of guilt and shame, fear of further, or lethal, abuse, fear of harassment, and not wanting to upset child(ren) by reporting their parent to law enforcement. In fact, in 2023, less than half of all domestic violence cases in the U.S. were reported to the police.
Additionally, the average child custody case in Texas takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. Even when a survivor parent is able to meet the burden of proving their experiences, it can take some time to complete the necessary legal processes to obtain full custody of the child(ren). In these cases, the child is often required to continue visitations with the abusive parent until an order is made granting full custody to the surviving parent.
At KCWS, we create a safety plan with each of our clients, where we sit together and think of practical and personalized strategies to help better protect themselves and their children. The goal of safety planning is to reduce risk of getting hurt, both physically and emotionally. And while these plans are often used to prepare adult survivors as they rebuild their lives, safety plans have also been shown to be incredibly effective in preparing children, when done in an age-appropriate way.
“When asked what children living with domestic violence need, our sample of children were astonishingly clear and consistent. Most commonly cited was safety, closely followed by someone to talk to…”
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with managing stress and/or anxiety around shared custody and visitations with an abuser, we encourage you to keep reading this article, where we offer suggestions for preparing for a safer visit this holiday season.
KCWS has also provided downloadable versions of our Child & Young Adult Safety Plan, as well as a general “Tips” Sheet with things to keep in mind as you prepare. You can download these at the end of this article, and use them with your child)ren) to help you create a safety plan at home with your child prior to their next scheduled visitation.
“We hold parents and other adults in a child’s life to be responsible for his or her safety and well-being. However, under the circumstances of family violence and dangerous situations in which the child’s safety is at risk, we want the children to know that they also need to take care of themselves…the aim of personal protection planning is to equip children with some practical and realistic skills to be used [when exposed to domestic violence and] in cases of emergency.”
Safety Planning with Kids 101
“When safety planning with children, the key element is to emphasize practical, age-appropriate steps to help them recognize unsafe situations and know how to respond. It is crucial to consider children’s limited capacity to process complex information; therefore, it is essential to put it in a way they can understand. The emphasis should be on clear, actionable steps (e.g., “Find a trusted adult,” or “Run to a safe place”).
With younger children who may not be able to process this information, it can be useful to involve activities that help them practice and make the steps memorable, like role-playing or drawing maps.”
At KCWS, we understand how difficult shared custody can be after abuse, especially during the holiday season. While every family and every situation is unique, these are some tips that are generally helpful in preparing both you and your child for their next visit. However, please always keep your specific child(ren), family, and history of abusive experiences in mind when safety planning:
Before They Go:
Download our Child & Young Adult Safety Plan to help you and your child prepare for visitations (supervised or unsupervised).
Teach your child when, how and who to contact in an emergency. You may even want to role play being the 9-1-1 operator so they can practice what they would say.
If possible, tell them to leave the home when things escalate, and brainstorm together a place for them to get away during a crisis situation.
Teach your child that they shouldn’t try to intervene in moments of violence, even if they want to protect someone that they love.
Make a plan for what to do if an abusive partner finds out about the child’s safety plan, and let the child know they are never to blame for someone else’s abusive behavior.
If possible, give your children a cell phone to be used in emergency situations.
If they would be too young to call for help or if it wouldn’t be safe for them to do so, talk through what they should do when they are in the “safe place” in your home. For example, with younger children, you may want to identify something that they can think about when they are scared.
During Drop-Off:
Avoid custody exchanges at your or your partners’ home. Meet in a safe, public place where others can see you (e.g., store or restaurant).
Bring a trusted friend or family member with you, or have them make the exchange for you.
Find something calming to do with your child prior to the custody exchange, where you both feel relaxed, as well as something pleasant for you to do after drop-off, like taking a walk, visiting a friend, or reading a book.
When They Come Back:
Check in with them about how they are doing, what they are concerned about, and what you can do to help.
Whenever possible, let them express themselves/communicate their feelings without getting defensive.
Look for support and information that can help you know how to deal with your child’s feelings and behaviors.
Continue to remind them that abuse is never their fault…
We encourage you to create a plan with your child today if they are visiting a parent with a history of abuse. This will better help them prepare for what to do in the face of violence, and can help reassure them that abuse from others is never their fault.
We also encourage you to plan ahead for what you and your child will do if an abusive parent finds out about a child’s safety plan. The most important thing you can tell them is to reach out to a trusted adult, like another family member or friend.
If you are ever in need of domestic abuse services, or assistance with creating a child’s safety plan, KCWS is here to help.
Call our 24/7 Hotline number today: 1-800-495-8078.
About the Author
Prior to her service at KCWS as the Research & Education Coordinator, Sarah received a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado Boulder and a Master of Science degree in Research Psychology from the University of Texas at San Antonio. Having dedicated the past six years to researching factors related to posttraumatic stress, Sarah has collaborated with domestic abuse, foster care, and military support agencies. She is passionate about enhancing trauma-informed policies and practices, and is on track to obtain her PhD, Spring 2025.
Email: sarah@kcwstexas.org
KCWS Phone: 830.428.4930