10 Realities of Domestic Abuse
October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness month, and Kendall County Women’s Shelter is shedding light on 10 important domestic abuse issues we think you should know about.
Domestic abuse is probably more common than you think.
“If you give me any problem in America, I can trace it down to domestic violence. It is the cradle of most of the problems, economic, psychological, and educational. ”
Domestic abuse is common, even in areas where you would not necessarily expect high prevalence. In fact, according to data from the most recent U.S. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey conducted from 2016 to 2017,
Just over 2 in 5 adults (42.0/42.3%, or 101.1 million), women or men, in the United States reported experiencing any physical abuse by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Nearly 1 in 2 women (47.3% or 59 million) in the US report experiencing sexual abuse, physical abuse, or stalking victimization by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.
More than 40 percent of men (44.2% or 52.1 million) reported any contact sexual abuse, physical abuse, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Almost 1 in 5 women (19.6% or 24.5 million) in the United States reported any contact sexual abuse by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
1 in 13 men (7.6% or more than 8.9 million)
1 in 10 women (10.5% of women or 13.2 million) report being raped by an intimate partner in their lifetime, compared to 1 in 40 men (0.5% or 560,000).
In the United States, 13.5% of women (16.9 million) reported having been stalked by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
1 in 20 men (5.2% or 6.2 million)
Almost half of all women (49.4% or 61.7 million) reported any psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime, which includes expressive aggression (29.4% or 36.7 million) and coercive control and entrapment (46.2% or 57.6 million). Rates are similar for men (45.1%, or 53.3 million, reported any psychological aggression).
Among female victims who experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, more than 70% (72.3% or 42.7 million) reported that their first victimization by an intimate partner occurred before age 25. Over 60% of men report similarly.
2. Domestic abuse can be loud, but is often silent.
“I sat there listening to my friend tell me everything she had been going through in her relationship for the last 10 years. I couldn’t believe my ears. All this time, I had assumed she was one of those women who willingly isolates herself within her man’s world leaving her friends far off while the romance is strong.”
Domestic abuse usually exists within a cycle, where an abuser uses specific tactics to maintain power and control over their partner. While this may look like an abuser breaking things, shouting, or physically assaulting the survivor, this is not always the case.
Often, power and control tactics include behaviors that are silent, and may be harder for us to recognize.
When abuse occurs in the dark, it has the potential to be even more dangerous to the survivor, and may escalate at higher rates. This is because family, friends, or even the survivor themselves, may not even be aware that abuse is occurring. Some examples of silent abuse may include:
The Silent Treatment: While it may be normal to “shut-down” every now and then when you are overwhelmed, abusers may use this as an isolation tactic where they refuse to acknowledge their partner’s existence.
Unspoken Threats: Abusers may hide subtle, yet powerful threats for their partners to find and to provoke fear. Examples of these include leaving a weapon lying around with the purpose of intimidation or installing security cameras in or around the home to watch their partner.
Coercive Control: Abusers may engage in tactics such as love-bombing, gaslighting, or making a survivor feel isolated from others to maintain control over their actions. While some of these behaviors may be interpreted as others as caring, or even loving, by those on the outside, abusers will usually inflict consequences or punishments if they believe the survivor is violating their “rules, or expectations.
3. Leaving isn’t Always a Safe Option.
“Friends and family typically don’t have all of the information and are also approaching the situation from a different lens... They aren’t living in the reality. It’s easy to place judgment from the outside.”
It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to finally leave their abuser, whether it is by physical separation (i.e., “breaking up,” legal separation, divorce, etc.), or by the eventual death of a partner.
One of the most common questions we are asked around domestic abuse issues is, “Why do they stay?” This can be very difficult to understand and accept, especially in cases where the survivor is someone you deeply care for. The best answer: fear.
As advocates for survivors of abuse, we should work to better understand the realities of leaving an abusive partner. Research suggests that the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when a survivor decides to leave their perpetrator, and they are likely to face significant barriers:
Fear or further/lethal abuse: approximately three-fourths (~ 77%) of domestic abuse-related homicides occur when the survivor attempts to leave or has left. In fact, at least three women per day are killed by their intimate partners. In fact, the mere presence of a firearm (commonly used by abusers for intimidation tactics) increases the risk of homicide by 500%.
Lack of Support/Understanding around Support Services: isolation is another common tactic abusers use to maintain control over their partner. Sometimes, this may look like completely cutting the survivor off from their friends and loved ones. Other times, this may be an abuser saying things like, “Even if you call the police, they won’t believe you and you may even get yourself in trouble if you try to call them,” or “If you call Child Protective Services, they will take the children away from you, too.”
Feelings of Shame: Shame is different than guilt. It doesn’t suggest that we feel bad about what we’ve done, but rather, it suggests we feel bad about who we are as a person. Domestic abuse survivors often believe things like, “I am unlovable by anyone besides my partner,” or “I am broken, or lost, without them.” Most of the time, these feelings are present because the abuser has instilled them in the survivor. This can have lasting effects on self-esteem and overall well-being.
Other common reasons for not leaving a partner may include children, religion, financial restrictions, and feelings of love for their partner/perpetrator or wanting to keep their family together.
4. Support for Survivors can Feel Hard to Obtain.
“Others don’t see the everyday manipulation and coercion... [These acts] portray the message that there is no one out there that will help the survivor, they are not worthy of anything outside of the abusers’ control, or no one will love them like the abuser does.”
We know that access to immediate financial assistance/financial coaching, legal and/or medical aid, psychoeducation around healthy relationship concepts, and opportunities for positive social interactions are critical services that support a survivor’s healing journey.
However, existing familial economic stress, chronic health issues stemming from abuse, pervasive mental health issues, substance dependance, and a lack of transportation or childcare options are common barriers to obtaining these necessary services.
Another important factor to consider when thinking about reasons survivors struggle to obtain services is the persistent stigma around victimization. The notion that women seeking domestic abuse services are “weak,” or that they “shouldn’t have been with that partner in the first place,” perpetuates this stigma, preventing survivors from seeking help. Ongoing stigma around domestic abuse is likely attributed to the lack of critical discussion around these issues and how we can do a better job of addressing barriers to support.
Additionally, a fear of retaliation from the abuser, or a lack of faith in legal systems meant to hold abusers accountable, often work against survivors seeking support.
5. Alcohol and drugs aren’t to blame, abusers are.
“If we put out this message that alcohol … either directly or indirectly causes domestic violence, what we are saying to the survivors that are hearing that message is ‘If you can get your partner to sober up, then it’ll be better. And that is a really dangerous message.”
It is important to understand that while survivors of domestic violence may be at an increased risk for substance use disorders (SUDs) given their experiences, domestic abuse is not caused by substance abuse, nor is it a direct symptom of domestic abuse.
Experts investigating the relationship between SUD and intimate partner violence have found that abuse is rooted in perpetrators need for power and control over their partner. Survivors with SUD often believe that they are being abused because of their substance misuse and may feel that the agencies in place to support them will also blame them.
For some survivors with SUD, their addiction was developed over time through acts of coercion from their abuser, where the survivor was forced to take substances.
In other cases, survivors feel that repetitive abuse is too much of a burden to bear, and misusing substances is the only way to temporarily escape emotional and physical pain.
Regardless of what cultivated a survivor’s dependency on a particular substance, there is never justification for a perpetrator’s abusive actions.
6. Pets can be critical for emotional support, but also a barrier to seeking further help.
“The part that was most appreciated was the dog kennels. I didn’t have to [rehome] our best friend.”
According to the National Survey on Domestic Violence and Pets: Breaking Barriers to Safety and Healing Executive Summary Report (Urban Resource Institute & The Hotline, 2021), 97% of survivors with pets agree that keeping their pet with them was an important factor in deciding whether to seek housing services. Further, 72% said they were not aware pet-friendly housing services existed.
However, KCWS remains one of the few agencies with pet-friendly housing options. According to national domestic abuse service data, only about 15% of shelters nationwide are pet-friendly, due to spatial or financial restrictions.
Pets are considered a crucial component of a survivor’s family unit that should also be kept safe. Failing to provide pet accommodations and services inhibits many survivors from seeking shelter, takes away an important source of emotional support from the survivor and their children, as well as create additional traumatic stress for survivors.
There is a need to raise awareness among domestic violence victims about the availability of resources that can remove a major barrier to their safety, as well as more shelter options that can accommodate pets.
7. Something that looks like “love” may be manipulation.
“If you’re in a new relationship and the intensity and pace of what you’re experiencing makes you uncomfortable, it should be a warning sign.”
“Love-bombing” has become a common buzz-word you may hear others use casually. It’s often used to describe a grand act of admiration from one partner to another, usually in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, these behaviors may actually be a form of psychological abuse where the abuser goes above and beyond for their partner in an effort to coerce them into staying in the relationship.
Abusive relationships usually exist within a cycle with 4 stages:
1) Tensions Build
2) Incidents of Abuse Occur
3) Reconciliation between Partners
4) The “Honeymoon” Phase
Repeat…
Love-bombing behaviors are usually exhibited within Phase 4, the “Honeymoon” phase. This is where things may seem peaceful in the relationship, perhaps even better than before. But more often than not, this phase is short-lived before tensions build again between partners. If you see extravagant acts of “love” that seem to be over the top, or too good to be true, this could be a red-flag, or warning sign, that a survivor is entrapped in, or beginning, the cycle of abuse.
8. Domestic abuse between parents can have a lasting effect on children.
“I will watch my children get married, and I will grow old because of your smiles, because of kindness, because of your lack of judgement, because of your education...I will never be on the news. My babies will never be on the news.”
Often, children exposed to domestic abuse are also victims of domestic child abuse, either physically, emotionally, or sexually. However, simply witnessing domestic abuse between parents can also have a substantial impact on their well-being and long-term development.
The immediate impacts of witnessing domestic abuse may include the child feeling anxious and fearful, overall. This can cause them to seem “on-guard,” and/or behave in ways that may be interpreted by others as “bad behavior.”
Pre-School Aged Children: may start retreating to behaviors that are not typically seen within this age range, such as a return to bed-wetting, thumb sucking as a comfort mechanism, and/or increased crying. Sleep issues, hiding, or severe separation anxiety are also common.
School-Aged Children: may start to feel guilt for parents’ abusive behavior(s), and place blame upon themselves, impacting their overall self-esteem. They may start to withdraw from school activities, or struggle with classwork/classroom etiquette. Stomach- and headaches are often reported by school-aged children who have witnessed abuse, which may be feelings of anxiety they are not yet able to identify.
Teenagers: may start to act out in negative ways, or rebel against social norms, such as engaging in physical fights with friends/family members or skipping school. Engaging in risky behaviors is also common in teens who witness domestic abuse, such as underage substance use, having unprotected sex, or getting in trouble with law enforcement. However, more recent studies have found that many of these external behaviors are slightly more common in teen boys, while teen girls who have witnessed abuse between parents may present as being dissociated or withdrawn. Girls, specifically, seem to be at an increased risk for depression after witnessing abuse in their homes (CDC, 2022).
Long-term impacts of witnessing domestic abuse between parents may include increased risk for chronic mental health conditions in adulthood, such severe depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or complex posttraumatic stress. These children also have a higher likelihood of developing physical health issues, such as diabetes, heart disease, and obesity.
One of the most significant impacts of witnessing abuse between parents is that it increases the child’s likelihood of becoming an adult domestic abuse survivor (Forke, 2017). However, studies show that supportive relationships with trusted adults, high levels of self-esteem, and healthy friendships can help protect a child from these adverse outcomes after witnessing domestic abuse (U.S. Office on Women’s Health, 2021).
9. Domestic abuse can alter a survivor’s brain size, structure, and functional capabilities.
“When a boxer or a football player takes a hit to the head, you know, it’s seen by so many people - sometimes millions on TV. But violence in the home is often invisible, and it tends to go unreported. There’s still a lot of stigma.”
Recent estimates suggest that the number of women who have a traumatic brain injury (TBI) secondary to domestic violence is 11-12x greater than the number of TBIs experienced by military personnel and athletes combined (up to 90% of all domestic abuse survivors; see Costello & Greenwald, 2022 for a review of this literature).
However, physically blows to the head are not a necessary condition to brain damage for domestic abuse survivors. Even in the absence of physical assault, our brains can still have biological responses to stressful events.
Typically, there are four natural stress responses that are meant to protect us from danger, or when our perceived ability to cope is less than what we need to cope with a stressor. When these 4 stress responses are chronically activated over long periods of time, survivors may experience changes to to their brain’s physical and chemical structure:
Fight: rage, anger, narcissism, intimidation
Flight: panic, worry, planning, rumination, perfectionism
Freeze: dissociation, disconnection, feeling numb or stuck, daydreaming
Fawn: people-pleasing, co-dependency, self-neglect, identity issues, lack of boundaries
When survivors are unable to “shake” these natural stress reactions, they may meet clinical criteria for a posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) diagnosis. These symptoms can be exacerbated by the fact that we are intrinsically “wired” to seek connection and approval from others.
Chemically, we see increased rates of the following hormonal components in domestic abuse survivors, which can create a dependence to their abusive partner. In fact, biologically, these effects are very similar to those chemical reactions exhibited by those addicted to drugs and/or alcohol:
Oxytocin: our “love chemicals”; bonds the survivor to the abuser
Endogenous opioids: our “pleasure chemicals”; regulates pain, pleasure, dependence, and withdrawal
Corticotropin-releasing factor: our “stress chemicals”; also influences feelings of withdrawal
Dopamine: our “happiness chemicals”; regulates desire, craving-seeking
Specifically, these neurological reactions brought on by highly stressful events over time can influence the size and structure of brain regions. Specifically, trauma exposure can influence those parts of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, memory storage and retrieval, learning, and executive functioning (high-level reasoning/critical thinking). This damage can be lasting without early intervention.
10. There is no “typical” domestic abuse survivor.
“Many people seem to have a fixed idea about what a domestic abuse victim looks like and what their circumstances are. They are wrong. This is a crime which affects both men and women from every walk of life.”
Take a moment to picture what you think a typical domestic abuse survivor looks, acts, and talks like.
Would you be surprised to find out that these stereotypes are perpetuated by harmful stigma, and that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time?
While there are factors that may increase risk for abuse perpetration (history of childhood abuse, low levels of education, and economic stress), the reality is: domestic abuse continues to be prevalent and pervasive in most areas. Typically, those areas with low rates of family violence are the locations where stigma against survivors and services is the highest.
Manipulation, coercive control, and other tactics commonly used by abusers can have a substantial impact on a survivor’s decision making capabilities and behaviors. Because of this, even people you may view as successful, independent, and intelligent can fall victim to a cycle of abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline), survivors of domestic abuse come from all walks of life, including varying age groups, backgrounds, communities, education levels, economic levels, cultures, ethnicities, religions, abilities, and lifestyles.
We’re sharing these truths surrounding domestic abuse issues in hopes that you will learn something new and have increase feelings of compassion for survivors and their families. Whether you directly serve survivors of domestic abuse, or you are just beginning your advocacy journey through learning, know that you can make a difference.
By shedding light on these issues to those around you, you can further support pathways to safety and healing for survivors through empathy, validation, and awareness.
Feel overwhelmed with knowing where to start? Check out these resources to learn how you can better equip yourself for advocacy work:
Resources:
Get more information on domestic abuse issues from KCWS (use form at bottom of page to request specific information): https://www.kcwstexas.org/kcwsblog
Sign-up to Volunteer with KCWS:
https://www.kcwstexas.org/volunteer-opportunities
Support Survivors by Attending a KCWS Event:
https://www.kcwstexas.org/events
Find a Domestic Abuse Agency to Serve Near You (state/territory coalition database):
https://nnedv.org/content/state-u-s-territory-coalitions/
Resources/Information from the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Ways to Support a Survivor (from The Hotline):
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/ways-to-support-a-domestic-violence-survivor/
About the Author
Prior to her service at KCWS as the Research & Education Coordinator, Sarah received a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado Boulder and a Master of Science degree in Research Psychology from the University of Texas at San Antonio. Having dedicated the past six years to researching factors related to posttraumatic stress, Sarah has collaborated with domestic abuse, foster care, and military support agencies. She is passionate about enhancing trauma-informed policies and practices, and is on track to obtain her PhD, Fall 2024.
Email: sarah@kcwstexas.org
KCWS Phone: 830.428.4930
Article Sources:
https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/documentation/NISVSReportonIPV_2022.pdf
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/
https://urinyc.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/PALS-Report-Exec-Summary.pdf